My First Born
My first love
I feel like I have something heavy weighing on my mind.
You are growing up, that much is obvious, but what is weighing on my mind is the fact that you are no longer a baby. You are no longer this little boy who needed me for everything.
and that terrifies me.
Not because you don’t need me anymore, but because I have to let you learn how to do things on your own.
You are a middle schooler now
This comes with more responsibilities, and less of me holding your hand along the way. You have schoolwork, projects, and notes to remember to show me (which so far the note part has been a struggle). You will have to learn to navigate situations that you are uncomfortable in. Stand up for yourself when you are dealing with bullying or even stand up for someone else.
The reason I’m struggling so much with this is because instead of seeing you as a middle schooler who is 11 years old, I see you as my 5 year old just starting kindergarten. In my mind I don’t see you being capable to take care of yourself, defend yourself, not needing to hold my hand when you cross the street. I see you as this little boy who still plays with action figures and has such a huge imagination that you can make a story out of anything. I see you as this little boy who needs me to not only make every meal and snack, but cut it up for you as well.
That’s not who you are though anymore
You are taller, your voice is different, and your interests have changed. Gone are the days where you played action figures and hello are the days of game consoles. You know more now and are starting to understand things. You are learning how to cook and play sports on a different level. Not only are you smart, sweet, and kind, but you are also a great big brother who now gets annoyed when his baby sister touches his stuff.
You are a middle schooler now
Your schoolwork is getting harder. The things you learned in elementary school will now be more in depth. You see more now because your world is changing. Your views on the world are changing. Friends are growing and changing. You are going to start noticing people and soon you will start to develop attractions. The interests you once shared with your friends may differ now and you may have to learn how to navigate without them. You will have to learn how to do things without me….holding your hand.
Not for who you will eventually be (fingers crossed we do a great job and you will turn out to be one heck of a man), but I’m terrified of what you will have to go through. We all hear the horror stories. I’ve seen the news and read the stories of kids hurting each other. You usually hear them starting in middle school (and some stories have been for high schoolers). You worry about the type of bullying and how people treat each other. I love the school you go to and I feel like you are safe there, but that doesn’t mean the parents in the stories I have read didn’t feel the same way. You may see things happening and you may have to deal with it. Maybe for yourself or a friend.. hell you may even have to help a stranger. The thing is you will probably see things you are not used to. Things that might scare you.
But not everything will be bad
You are going to be able to experience more and enjoy some exciting adventures. Meet new people. Get to enjoy a little more independence. Those little things you were told you were too little for, you will now get to start enjoying. You will be able to do more with your friends. Bigger responsibilities which in turn will lead to bigger rewards.
And you’re not the only one growing here.
We will be experiencing these things together, but in different ways. You will have to learn how to navigate this new territory and I will have to learn how to release some of the control. The control to always keep you safe. Always fight your battles. Protect you from this world that might try to hurt you. Before when a friend might hurt your feelings I could say something to their parents. Now I have to let you fight your battles. I have to let you stand up for yourself. Let you learn how to be a man. Not in a misogynist way, but in a way that you are now a child and will have to be an adult one day. I have to let you make mistakes so you can learn from them. Let you fail on your own so that you can figure out how to succeed. Release your hand so that you can handle (see what I did there?) things on your own.
No matter what
I’ll always be here for you. I won’t ever leave your side and I will always be your number one fan. I’ll watch you fail and offer advice when you need it. Watch you succeed and be right there screaming how proud of you I am. And I’ll never leave your side, but I will no longer be out in the open ready to tackle anything that comes your way. Instead I’ll be on the sidelines waiting for my cue.
Over the next three years you are going to learn a lot about yourself. You are going to go through mood swings because things are about to change. You’re going to learn a little more of the potential you possess. You will learn more of your strengths, but also your weaknesses. You will see a side of yourself that you didn’t know was in you and again that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Remember to always stay true to yourself. Please hold on to that sweet boy you have always been and don’t let this world take it away. Hold on to it, but also share it and show people that there is still good in this world. Just please don’t ever lose it!
So remember, I’ll always be here. We will get through this next chapter in your book of life and we will make it in one piece. And in three years I’ll have to release a little more control when you start highschool.
We will save that for another time