That Mom Anxiety
Family time is something I always look forward to. It’s the time where we have nothing going on (school, work, extra curricular) and can really have fun and relax.
However some of the time it’s not relaxing for me.
It brings out my anxiety.
Some Back Story
I’m not really sure when my anxiety really hit. I don’t really recall ever being an anxious person when I was younger. That’s probably why I made a lot of impulse decisions that didn’t always turn out great. I’ve even put myself in situations that were not the best and I’m pretty sure I was on the verge of giving my guardian angel a heart attack.
Thanks for having my back!
Even after having my son I still don’t think I was an anxious person. I don’t feel like my anxiety truly hit until he started daycare. That was when I had to trust someone else to take care of him that wasn’t family. He had never been with strangers and yeah that gave me a little anxiety to have to trust someone to keep him safe.
Luckily we found the best daycare ever and I’m so thankful for the amazing teachers there.
I still at this point wasn’t a very anxious person. Looking back there are things I would have done better, but I was a young, new mom, who was bound to make mistakes.
Honestly if I had to pinpoint when it truly started would have to have been when my daughter was born.
Now I had two humans that I was responsible. There was one of me and two of them and it was up to me to make sure nothing happened to them. Going out in public was terrifying for me.
After my daughter was born I was nervous to go anywhere with both kids.
I know that sounds silly, but I really was. I was nervous that if something was to happen, how would I protect my children.
Baby wearing really helped with some of the public anxiety. It left me with two free hands to help my son. Even though my son was seven, he still needed me. I mean do we ever stop needing our parents for at least something? So yeah I would baby wear as much as I could and seemed to be able to handle things.
However I still didn’t take them to crowded places without my husband.
I don’t like crowds.
Well I don’t like crowds when it’s just me and the kids. If my husband is with me I can relax a little because there are two of us and we can divide and conquer.
However my husband can’t always go out with us because he’s a firefighter and he works a lot. I try to plan outings on the days he’s off, but that doesn’t always work out. Of course it’s not fair to the kids and make them miss out just because Daddy can’t go. They want to have fun too so it’s up to me to make it happen. I’m always determined to make my kids happy, so I’ll do whatever is necessary.
Recently our local zoo was having a deal on tickets and I just couldn’t pass it up. However I knew there would be TONS of people there because you never want to pass up a good deal (tickets were $0.70 per person with a non perishable item, um yes please). So yes I had to jump on that deal.
I was really excited for it until the day of. I knew I was going to be going alone, but it didn’t really hit me until we were heading to the zoo. My husband was out-of-town on his annual hunting trip and I could have waited, but the scheduling just didn’t match up. So it was up to me and me alone.
I had the talk with my kids on our way there. Gave them the run down on how things will be (packed, stay close to me, etc.). My daughter is usually attached to my hip, but sometimes she likes to go to the beat of her own drum. So I definitely had to stress to her the rules.
Even though it was packed when we pulled in, I was actually calm. The kids stayed with me, minus the one or two instances where my daughter wanted to do her own thing, but overall I actually relaxed a little. I got to enjoy seeing them together.
I was able to enjoy them.
Yes, I was still on high alert with my surroundings, but I made sure to focus on them. We were in no rush so I let them lead the way.
My anxiety was still there due to the crowds, but my kids were amazing and I think that’s what helped me relax a little. Also the fact that my son is eleven and is a lot more helpful.
But overall we had a really good day.
Until the car ride home where they were screaming at each other, but that’s besides the point.
Obviously that is not a scientific term, but I feel like that’s what I have. I can be out doing things myself and be fine, but the minute my kids are with me I’m on high alert.
Maybe that’s not anxiety, but to me it feels that way.
There’s a shift that I know some people close to me have noticed. I’m usually a very outgoing person, well to an extent. However when my anxiety hits I change. I’m focused, alert, and nervous. Sometimes I’m quiet, which again if you know me then you know that’s not normal.
But it happens and since I know it’s happening I’m working on not allowing it to ruin my time with my kids.
Because I only get to experience this time with them once. I only get to experience this age with them once.
And I will not let my anxiety take this precious time away from me.
I just won’t!
**I have never been diagnosed, nor do I see anyone or take anything for my anxiety. I also know that the anxiety I experience is nowhere near as severe as others. If you have severe anxiety and are not receiving help, please change that. Go take care of yourself and get the help you need. Please don’t let this take over your life and make you miss out of some really great experiences. If you need someone to talk to you, I’ll be happy to listen. Just please take care of yourself. **